


The One with the Intervention

by ReySkyrissian (ErinacchiLove)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: (basically just Tauriel making a crude joke), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Dáin and Tauriel are pals, F/F, Female Kíli, Fluff and Crack, Have a Happy Hobbit Holiday Gift Exchange, Humor, Intervention, M/M, Meddling Dwarves, Mutual Pining, Sexual Humor, more Brooklyn Nine-Nine references than is entirely necessary, no one is straight, piglets, safe for Dáin fans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-16 07:20:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13049229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErinacchiLove/pseuds/ReySkyrissian
Summary: Bilbo and Thorin's seemingly mutually unrequited pining is getting ridiculous and driving everyone nuts, so the Company decides to stage an intervention. For the sake of their friends, and for the sake of the sanity of Erebor.





	The One with the Intervention

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SOABA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SOABA/gifts).



> Happy Hobbit Holiday, SOABA! I hope this fic pleases you^^ I had a lot of fun writing it, so I hope everyone who clicks this fic has a lot of fun reading it! And happy holidays to everyone!

It started discreetly enough. No one took notice at first – there was nothing strange or disturbing about lingering looks and touches that lasted longer than necessary. But at some point there was no denying that something was going on and everyone could see it.

     Thorin and Bilbo were pining after each other.

     The first time people noticed it was at a council meeting. Balin finished reading and passed on some papers for Thorin to read and sign, but the newly crowned king was more preoccupied with staring at Bilbo discussing food trade with Glóin (the newly appointed master of coin) and Dori (the newly appointed master of trade). Balin and Fíli glanced at each other, and Fíli had to wave his hand in front of Thorin’s face for a good while before Thorin made any reaction at all.

     “What?” asked Thorin.

    “Balin has papers for you, Uncle,” said Fíli, shaking his head.

    “Oh,” said Thorin, blinking as though he’d just woken up. He tore his glance away from Bilbo. “My apologies, Balin, let me see them.”

     As Thorin took the papers and started to read them, Fíli and Balin glanced at each other again and shook their heads in unison before going back to their own tasks. They really had to do something about Thorin and his pining for Bilbo that had started already during the quest. This was getting ridiculous.

     Thorin and Bilbo had mended their relationship during the time Thorin was recovering from his wounds, and Bilbo had agreed to stay for the winter, and things had been relatively normal for a while. But then the pining had started again and it was driving everyone nuts. Now Thorin wasn’t even being discreet about it! Everyone could see how in love he was, save from Bilbo who seemed blissfully oblivious about his admirer.

 

* * *

 

The second time it happened was at the goat stables/pig pens. Dáin had converted one of the stables as a pen for his battle pig named Beastie who had survived the Battle of the Five Armies with a broken leg and was going to farrow any day. He had found a rather unlikely friend in Tauriel who, after having treated the royal family, had started to help around in the Mountain where she could and eventually had found her way to the stables. Beastie had taken to her almost instantly, and Dáin simply couldn’t dislike anyone his pig liked. Tauriel had even fixed Beastie’s leg during one break she had from tending the young princess she was so fond of. After Kíli had been released from her sick-bed she and Tauriel started to visit the pens together.

     Eventually the day for Beastie’s farrowing came and Dáin alerted Tauriel. Kíli and Bilbo came to help as well, having been in the hearing distance (of course, Dáin had shouted, so it wasn’t hard to hear him). Beastie was having an easy birth, thankfully. Tauriel helped the first piglet out and handed him to Kíli, while Dáin was speaking to Beastie in a low, calming tone.

     “Bilbo, can you fetch some warm water?” asked Kíli. But Bilbo was spacing out. Kíli asked again, but no answer. Bilbo was just staring into the distance.

      That made even Dáin and Tauriel look up in confusion.

     “What is it?” asked Dáin, frowning.

     “I dunno, Bilbo’s just… spacing out,” answered Kíli, trying to figure out how to get Bilbo’s attention without dropping the small piglet.

     “He’s pining,” said Tauriel suddenly. “I heard Fíli and some others talk about it, though they were talking about His Majesty. I guess it’s going both ways.”

     Dáin got up. “I got this. Kíli, take care of Beastie and the babbies for me, will ya?”

     Kíli nodded and switched places with her uncle. She settled down near Beastie’s head, showing the wee piglet to her, and murmured praises while Tauriel carried on with helping the next piglet out. Dáin cleared his throat near Bilbo and when he got no response, he nudged the Hobbit.

     “What?” blurted Bilbo.

    “There’s already one piglet out and we’d need some warm water,” said Dáin with a small grin on his face. “If you don’t mind me interrupting your daydreams.”

     Bilbo spluttered. “What? Daydreaming? Me? Pishposh! I don’t daydream and certainly not about Thorin!” And with that he left to fetch water.

     Dáin shook his head and rolled his eyes. “Aye, he’s pining alright. I didn’t even say anything about Thorin.”

     “Fíli told me it’s getting ridiculous with Uncle Thorin,” said Kíli, petting Beastie with one hand. “Apparently Uncle spaces out during council meetings because he’s pining. Fíli thinks we need to do something.”

     “Those two just need a good shag,” stated Tauriel matter-of-factly as she got the next piglet out.

     “Ew! Gross, Tauriel! Those are our dads!” exclaimed Kíli. Tauriel and Dáin looked at her, not even bothering to try to cover their laughter. Kíli snorted, having realised what she had blurted, and looked at the piglet in her arms. “So, anyway, I think I’ll name this wee one Bubbles.”

     Dáin nodded approvingly. “He looks like a Bubbles, now that you say it.”

     “Then this one will be Petal,” said Tauriel and handed the second piglet over to Dáin while they waited for Bilbo to come back with the water.

 

* * *

 

Days turned into weeks and all too soon winter was ending. Bilbo would return to the Shire and the pining still hadn’t ended. Bilbo and Thorin were still dancing around each other like two idiots who loved each other but thought it was unrequited. Which they actually were. Eventually the entire Company plus Tauriel and Dáin had got so fed up that they decided to hold a secret meeting to decide what to do about all this.

     “I’m just glad our mums aren’t here,” sighed Fíli, and Kíli nodded next to him. Dís and Víli would definitely not have any of this nonsense.

     “I think we ought to organise an intervention,” said Dwalin, leaning onto the table of the council hall. “It’s what Dís would’ve told us to do months ago.”

     There was a chorus of agreement. They really needed to intervene before Bilbo would leave, for his and Thorin’s sake as well as the entire Mountain’s. None of them almost died to have Thorin pine his days away while Bilbo was on the other side of the world.

     And so they got to work. Balin was in charge of the council’s schedules so he agreed to cancel everything from that day. While Balin worked on schedules, the rest of the Company split into different groups. One would find Thorin, another would find Bilbo, and the third would paint a banner with the word “Intervention” in it. Dori provided the cloth for the banner and Ori had been able to purchase several paints. While Ori, Kíli, and Tauriel painted the others took off to find the pining love-sick fools.

     Thorin was easier to find out of the two. When he wasn’t at a council meeting he was either in his own study or in the forges. As it turned out, today he was in the forges, making something small and intricate. Dwalin, Fíli, and Dáin couldn’t make out what it was, but it hardly mattered. They marched in and Dwalin said, “Thorin, we need you in the council hall. It’s very urgent.”

     Thorin looked up. He put his tools away and put the small – pendant? It did look like a pendant – in his pocket. “What? Is something wrong?”

     “Aye, you,” said Dáin curtly and grabbed his cousin’s arm. “You and your Hobbit.”

     “He is not my–” Thorin began as Dáin and Dwalin started to drag him away from the forges, to the council hall.

     “Sure he’s not,” snorted Dwalin. “Give it a rest and just come with us.”

     Bilbo was a whole other case. There were plenty of places where he could be. Besides the council meetings, he enjoyed staying in the kitchen and the library, but given how sneaky Hobbits could be, there was no telling where he was. The remaining Company spread out to find him. Eventually Bofur and Bombur found him in the library, in the furthest section with the dustiest and oldest books.

     Bilbo put away the book he was reading as he heard the two brothers approaching. “What is it? Am I needed in the kitchen?”

     “No, you’re needed in the council hall,” answered Bofur, crossing his arms. “We need to talk.”

     “Oh?” said Bilbo. “Sounds ominous. What’s wrong?”

     “We’ll tell you when we’re there,” said Bombur with a sheepish smile. “Shall we?”

     The two groups met exactly at the same time at the doors of the council hall. Bilbo and Thorin looked at each other, trying to find out if the other knew what was going on. Bilbo spread his hands in an asking manner, to which Thorin responded with a shrug. Dwalin and Dáin pushed the doors open to reveal a massive banner hanging on the wall, with the word “INTERVENTION” written in it in huge red block letters.

     “What is this?” asked Thorin smartly.

     “This is an intervention,” answered Dwalin as he and the rest of the two groups settled under the banner along with the others.

     “So we can see from the banner that says intervention,” snorted Bilbo. “But why?”

     “Because of your pining for each other,” said Dáin. “It has to stop. You’re driving all of us nuts.”

     “Hence all this,” added Fíli. “You two obviously have feelings for each other but you haven’t done anything to act on them during these past few months. It’s getting ridiculous.”

     Bilbo and Thorin frowned at the same time at Fíli’s words.

     “Exactly,” Tauriel put in. “You two just need to shag.”

     Kíli let out a small, “Eep.”

     “I beg your pardon?” asked Thorin with an uncharacteristically high voice.

     “Tauriel, don’t say it again,” whispered Kíli.

     Tauriel paid no heed. “I said you two need to shag.”

     Fíli quickly wrapped his arm around his sister who was holding her ears with her hands. Dáin slowly moved in front of Tauriel in case someone (most likely Thorin) decided to spontaneously combust at her words.

     It seemed to take forever from Bilbo and Thorin to register the words until Bilbo took a deep breath.

     “Hhhhow _dare you young lady_ what happens in _our_ bedroom is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!”

     “SHAG?!” shrieked Thorin.

     “I’ll have you all know that we’ve actually been courting for a good while now but we agreed not to make a big deal out of it because we knew you all would go nuts,” said Bilbo in a very fast tempo.

     “Don’t ever talk to us like that again,” added Thorin after he had calmed down a bit.

     That having said, the pair left the council hall, cursing the Company for being overly nosy. Kíli removed her hands from her ears, Bofur looked like he was about to die from restrained laughter, and Dáin had crossed his arms and was bobbing his head.

     “Well, that went well,” he said. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go see how my piglets are doing. Tauriel, are you coming too?”

     Tauriel shrugged. “Sure, I’d love to see how Bubbles, Petal, Amethyst, Peridot, Leaf, and Mega Rage are doing.”

     Dáin and Tauriel left the hall, chortling as they went. Kíli ran after them after she had recovered from her shock.

     Fíli, Balin, Dwalin, and Bofur looked at each other. Well, now that it was established that the two love-sick fools were an item after all, there was a wedding to be planned! And they could not exclude Dís from that, she’d already missed the opportunity to meddle with this mess.

**Author's Note:**

> Bubbles and Petal were borrowed from the amazing determamfidd ♥  
> Dáin named Amethyst and Peridot, Tauriel named Petal and Leaf, and Kíli named Bubbles and Mega Rage (she has two extremes when it comes to naming animals and no middle ground whatsoever)  
> (Mega Rage is actually an inside joke so I hope you'll excuse its anachronistic nature)


End file.
